Football in the Steel City is reaching the deepest depths of depravity. Kenny Pickett is still not back, the wide receivers are talking way too much, and the Diontae Johnson-dubbed “leaky” defense continues to bend and break. Of course, with everything going on, there comes a whole lotta predictions.

With that being said, SCN’s resident Nostradumbass is back to do the deed again this week as the Steelers battle the Bengals in their final home contest of 2023. The following are predictions, some basic, some bold and some absolutely bizarre.

• Antonio Brown, realizing that Le’Veon Bell visited the team on Friday for the first time since his holdout in 2018, shows up to the stadium bemoaning the infantile behavior of the Steelers receivers. Upon being rejected at the gate, the police are called after AB whips phallic-shaped gummy candy at Steelers officials and Acrisure Security Personnel.
• Mitch Trubisky spends the entire game on an iPad, but it’s not to help Mason Rudolph with defenses. The veteran QB diligently scours Linkedin and Indeed looking for his next gig after basically being fired last week in Indy.
• The Steelers announce their offensive starters but not George Pickens in an effort to reduce the potential of jeers coming his way. Instead, PA Announcer Larry Richert calls both Najee Harris and Jaylen Warren to emerge from the Acrisure tunnel. Inspired by having watched Dirty Dancing on Netflix over the weekend for the first time, the crowd hears No.14 bellow, “Nobody puts George in a corner.” as he bursts into daylight, rushes pat Warren and blocks an unsuspecting ball-boy out of the RB’s path.
• Pickens retribution continues as he hauls-in a Rudolph pass for the score. Not realizing that the date on the calendar matches the late Franco Harris’ triumphant Immaculate Reception, and not wishing to de-lobe in honor the 135th Anniversary of Vincent van Gogh cutting off his ears, the talented receiver instead owners another man named George and recognizes this very day in 1783 when George Washington retired as Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army. How, you ask? Pickens resigns as the Commander-in-Chief of the George Pickens Fan Club.
• Diontae Johnson reels in 8 catches and goes for 100 yards for the first time since December 5, 2021 in a win over Baltimore.
• Pat Freiermuth is targeted only three times and pulls in every single ball to move the chains each time.
• Chris Boswell is a perfect 2-for-2 on the day with a long of 47 yards.
• Najee Harris and Jaylen Warren runs well against the Cincy defense, but both fail in breaking 100 yards and the plane of the end zone.
• T.J. Watt. against an underachieving Bengals O-line, gets 2.5 more sacks to increase his league-leading total to 18.5 and 13.5 all-time versus Cincy.
• Joey Porter Jr. gets the lone takeaway of the day with a theft of a Jake Browning pass. The rookie is later ejected for b***h slapping Bengals receiver and Pittsburgh-native Tyler Boyd.
• Elandon Roberts sets a new team record with 21 tackles on the late afternoon/early evening.
• The Steelers defense surrenders a 100+ rushing game to Joe Mixon, a 100+ receiving effort by Tee Higgins, and a 300+ afternoon perpetrated by Jake Browning.
• The Steelers fall to 7-8 in a 23-13 letdown, but still remain alive, although on life support in the AFC playoff standings.
• The media is perplexed to see Mike Tomlin wearing burgundy and gold in his postseason presser.

Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.