Latrobe is open for business, and Steelers training camp is underway. Being that I am geographically challenged from attending the activities, I thought we could have some fun and suggest some ideas that might just turn the tables on the long odds that the Steelers have been given. I am a child of the 80’s. If there is one thing that the films of that era taught me, it’s that unorthodox training methods produce extraordinary results, and the underdog always wins the championship if they eschew traditional methods.

While Ivan Drago trained in a high tech boxing gym and injected steroids before every sparring session, Rocky Balboa was out chopping down trees, helping neighbors get their horse carts out of snow banks, and dedicating a large amount of energy to grow a fantastic beard. Result? Rocky overcame all odds and won the fight, despite tipping the scales at what I would estimate to be a full twenty pounds under the required cutoff for a heavyweight match. Mr. Miyagi taught Daniel LaRusso Okinawan karate by way of illegal child labor, forcing him to do many unpaid manual chores. He also lied to Daniel, saying that if he balanced on one foot with his hands in the air like an idiot, he would be able to deliver a kick that was indefensible. Perhaps it’s because your opponent is laughing too hard to breathe. Regardless, Daniel defied the odds, in large part due to a creepy massage break mid-way through the tournament. He beat up all the bullies, which were identifiable by sporting blonde hair. He lived happily ever after…until losing his girlfriend like a week later, prompting him to flee to the other side of the globe in embarrassment.

Now that we have established that it is a 100% absolute fact that weird and offbeat training methods always produce champions, let’s apply that to our beloved Steelers, shall we? Based on the game film I’ve watched this offseason, and trends I noticed last year, here are my recommendations. Coach Tomlin, you’re welcome.

Russell Wilson and Justin Fields: I watched every snap of both quarterbacks from last year. For your own good, do NOT do that. They both have their strengths and weaknesses, but there was one aspect of their game that both did with alarming regularity, and that was not maintaining possession of the ball when contacted behind the line of scrimmage. Quarterbacks are not allowed to be hit in training camp, so opportunities to work on that issue will not be available.

Solution: Take them both to a Judo class three times a week. Have a black belt in Judo throw them to the mat over and over, and their only objective is to hold onto the football. If it pops out, that’s an additional five throws, while the other person gets to laugh at them. They can wear a padded suit if you are worried about injuries, but these guys need to get some muscle memory on how to go to the ground and still have the football safely in their possession.

Troy Fautanu, Zack Frazier, and Broderick Jones: These guys are young, and they will be called upon to be the driving force of the offensive engine of the run heavy, 12 personnel scheme at some point this year. The AFC North has outstanding defenses with fearsome D-linemen gunning for the group, eagerto abuse their inexperience and youth. Coordinators will be sending extra rushers to test their ability to overcome being outnumbered.

Solution: Make their dorm room televisions and laptops play the 1988 Western “Young Guns” on a loop. After a few viewings, it will have them saying “Regulators! Let’s saddle up!” when they break the huddle, and they will be in the aggressive mindset needed to take the fight to the more experienced players. And if they laugh in the slightly manic way that Emilio Estevez did as Billy The Kid when the defenses try to intimidate them with trash talk, all the better.

George Pickens, DeMarvin Leal, and Larry Ogunjobi: It might seem odd to place these three in a group together, but they have one thing in common. They don’t give their all on every play, down in and down out. They have the potential to be difference makers, and Pickens could become a superstar, but potential is a dirty word here at SCN. Some extra motivation is in order.

Solution: At night while they sleep, apply a temporary Deadpool tattoo with his motto “Maximum Effort” emblazoned in huge letters across their chests and down their arms. When they show up on the field all freaked out, explain to them that they are only temporary tats that they have to wear for the entirety of camp. However, if at any time they display less than the maximum effort, those tattoos will become the permanent variety. Have a tattoo artist with a chair and needle gun lurking on the sideline, ready to go.

Will these ideas work? Of course they will. It never fails in the movies, as long as there is a video music montage to go along with it. Play the Rocky IV soundtrack over the sound system at Latrobe and the team will be hoisting the Lombardi trophy next February. The Steelers already use a music montage in game with Renegade and we’ve all seen that work wonders.

What training methods can you come up with to help the team? There are no rules, other than it should be ridiculous and be right at home in an 80’s action movie. The team is depending on you. There are long odds to overcome, and looking at the schedule, the bullies are on their way.

Regulators! Let’s saddle up!