The Chicago White Sox are cursed. Over the last two weeks, two ex-South Side superstars have been unceremoniously DFA’d from their new teams. Former All Star and shit-stirring fan favorite Tim Anderson went from the captain of “Change the Game” to being dropped by one of the worst teams in baseball earlier today. José Abreu, American League MVP just four short years ago, was discarded before hitting the halfway point of his contract with the Astros two weeks ago. The once-sensational winning White Sox team that lifted our spirits during lockdown feels ages removed from the current record-breaking losers.

The 2021 White Sox Lineup who won 93 games, so far in 2024….

Yermin Mercedes Retired
Adam Eaton Retired
José Abreu DFA’d
Tim Anderson DFA’d
Yoan Moncada Played 11 games
Yasmani Grandal 37 OPS+
Andrew Vaughn .2 WAR
Eloy Jimenez… pic.twitter.com/OhII8FsSWK

— Baseball Doesn’t Exist (@BaseballDoesnt) July 2, 2024

But Tim Anderson’s fall from grace can’t be simplified by placing the blame upon throwing hands with José Ramírez, any more than José Abreu’s underperformance can be attributed to just age. Sometimes the mental game is the biggest hurdle in professional sports.

And speaking of mental games, the South Siders’ record in the AL Central division proves the cerebral aspect is intense. Coming into tonight’s game, the White Sox were 4-3 against the first-place Guardians, and an abysmal 2-18 against every other team in the division. Cleveland holds the division’s top spot by a colossal 30 games over the South Siders. Still, the White Sox put away casual wins against a red-hot Guardians team as if they’re not the absolute worst of the worst.

If I had to call it a specific red hot, I’d say it’s Show Stopper Red SW7588.

Sorry, the garish advertisements at Progressive Field are impossible to ignore, from the Marathon logo on uniforms and on the field, to the Sherwin Williams logo on the pitcher’s mound.

The White Sox didn’t waste time marking the board tonight. Andrew Vaughn hit a solo shot in the first with Carlos Carrasco just eight pitches in, and although Chris Flexen’s pitch count was high to start, he was hitting all the right spots. The White Sox have lost Flexen’s last nine starts, and the losses can’t be entirely pinned on him by any means. The dread that White Sox fans feel when the bullpen is an inevitability can’t be understated, so the Daniel Schneeman two-run blast in the third put the Guardians ahead 2-1, we felt the curse bearing down on us. Cleveland added on another in the fifth.

The Guardians bullpen is the best in all of baseball, so the task of even a single run in late innings would be monumental even for a team with a good offense. But this is the 2024 White Sox, a team as nonsensical as they come, so naturally the offense kept showing up — notably with a Korey Lee single and a two-run dinger by Luis Robert Jr. to tie the game in the sixth.

In the sixth, Josh Naylor was gunning to third on a David Fry single, and Paul DeJong beaned him right in the back; as satisfying as that drilling might have made all White Sox fans, the ball dribbled into foul territory and made it easy for Naylor to score. Then Tyler Freeman hit a two-run shot and put the Guardians in a nice spot, 6-3.

But oddly, the South Siders answered again: DeJong and Nicky Lopez hit singles, and Lenyn Sosa came through with the RBI double, cutting the Guardians lead to two. Carrasco was pulled, and it was time for the Guardians to show us what the best bullpen in the majors looks like.

Hunter Gaddis showed up for his 41st game and struck out pinch hitter Tommy Pham, which caused faux-concerned skipper Pedro Grifol to say a couple of calm words about balls and strikes, causing him to be ejected. He was nonplussed, overall.

Enter golden goose panther Robert, who hit an RBI single (his fourth RBI of the day) to tie the game. This was the first time this season that Robert was in the leadoff spot, and it worked out well … but shuffling these guys around endlessly can’t be beneficial overall.

The game remained in a 6-6 tie until the ninth, when the curse reared its ugly head.

Michael Kopech came in to close the game, and in true South Side curse fashion, his spike caught the dirt and forced a wild pitch, advancing Andrés Giménez to third. No one scored, but the curse wasn’t done.

Bo Naylor hit a sacrifice fly to Robert, who caught it … and just stood there. With Giménez on third. Just gloved it. No throw home, no flinching.

#ForTheLand

Kopech: “LUIS! THROW IT!”

Luis Robert Jr: pic.twitter.com/V2M4v0V0lT

— Andy Jardy (@AndyJardy) July 3, 2024

It was a walk-off victory for the Guardians, who won this game after a tight match and an auto-concession toe end the game that shouldn’t have been. The final score was 7-6, and the curse persists.

So let’s talk about possibilities for the White Sox to break this curse.

Roar-Off

With a special ability to misread the room, John Schriffen was enthusiastically growling last week in a call that should haunt him for the rest of his days. In all seriousness, it’s refreshing to hear him having fun with a team that’s so miserably lousy, and acting with decorum while announcing for the worst team in baseball is almost as cringey as his misbegotten growling like a panther. A good old-fashioned roar-off at a coliseum could un-curse the Pale Hose if Schriffen wins. Or if he’s eaten.

Field of Schemes

Did the White Sox peak at the Field of Dreams game in 2021? Maybe. Let’s bring the good vibes back by planting corn in the outfield at Guaranteed Rate Field. It can’t make the team any worse than they are. Think of the bonus elotes.

Blood Sacrifice

There is a hopeless desperation when it’s time to summon Alatorth the Arcane Fielddweller. Luckily, International Pop Superstar Yoán Moncada has been feeling worse for wear, and would probably take one for the team. It’s only a little bit of blood drawn forcibly on the night of a waning moon. What could go wrong?

WWE Rematch

A popular opinion about TA7 is that the José Ramírez fistfight on the field is what began his descent into obsolescence, but I call bullshit. Tim is known for philandering and it’s no secret that his home life became a mess during the height of his success. It seemed that his on-field performance took a nosedive after his sordid affairs came to light — and that includes his ability to take and throw punches. An official WWE-style rematch in some rando ass micro-city that would draw a crowd is sure to give Tim the boost he needs to start bat-flipping again.

Hawk’s Bat

Every time Schriffen makes a bad call, growls like a mystery animal, overexcitedly elongates vowels, or yells at us to fucking stand up even though we’re losing 12-0, Hawk Harrelson can hit him with a plastic bat. How will this break the White Sox curse? you may be asking yourself. Well, it won’t.

Beards

Stop shaving, White Sox. Allow your chin hair get to that disgusting, pube-like, wiry consistency, and don’t trim it or make it look like you care about yourself. It’s bound to intimidate the other team, if nothing else. Teams throughout history have been commonly superstitious: Not laundering socks, neglecting to shave, eating chicken before every game, and eating home field turf. It can’t hurt to distract the White Sox from the lack of leadership plaguing the team, and it may even serve as a distracting scapegoat in some cases.

After a less-than abysmal loss, an actual competition, both offensively and defensively, was a refreshing change. Let’s hope that whatever is cursing the White Sox is resolved soon. In the meantime, the only real answer seems obvious:

Bye-bye Petey.

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