The NFL will actually be playing a game on Friday, Black Friday, to be exact.

It’s the biggest shopping day of the year that usually includes millions upon millions of Americans tackling one another over $30 flat screen televisions, and the NFL is forcing those folks to stay home and watch even more professional football on their old flat screen TVs.

That seems cruel and unusual to me. I won’t be watching your game between the Dolphins and Jets at 3 p.m. EST, NFL. Heck, the only reason I even learned about the two teams that were playing was so I could tag them for this article. Otherwise, I couldn’t give a turkey leg.

How much more are you going to dilute your product, NFL? You’ve already made Thursday night games “Pay No Mind” television for yours truly. No, I’m not talking about the traditional slate of matchups on Thanksgiving; I always enjoy those. It’s fun to sit around and watch football from morning til night while I stuff my face with everything from turkey to pumpkin/sweet potato pie. I’m talking about you forcing Thursday Night Football with Al Michaels and Kirk Herbstreit, a legendary play-by-play man and an old college football analyst who broadcast these games as if they’re being held hostage, down our throats each and every week.

I refuse to watch TNF unless it’s the Steelers, and even then, I have to be subjected to their 1972 offense as it tries to function on four days of preparation.

Anyway, I might sit around and stuff my face again on Friday but don’t count on me watching Black Friday football.

Seriously, what is it with your league and its constant encroachment on my life? Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t the Friday after Thanksgiving once reserved for memorable college football action? I couldn’t even tell you which college football teams are playing one another on Black Friday this year. I’m not even sure if there are any college matchups, to be honest with you. All I’ve heard about is the NFL game.

What’s the matter, NFL? Are you afraid of being out of our collective mind for even a second? You already dominate the 24/7/365 sports news cycle. Not only do you own the weekends during the regular season, but you own all the days throughout the offseason. That’s right, you even command our absolute attention when you’re not playing games in the winter, spring and summer.

My god, you’re even trying to romance Taylor Swift these days.

Now, you want to own the weekdays during the regular season?

I saw you conducting your little experiment during the pandemic. You hit just about every day of the week throughout that compromised 2020 regular season.

There was at least one game held on a Wednesday. Did you play any on a Tuesday? I can’t remember, but I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to make TuesdayNF a regular occurrence before long.

Lastly, since it is the holiday season, allow me to quote Dr. Seuss:

You’re a monster, NFL. Your heart’s an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, NFL. I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole! You’re a foul one, Mr. Goodell. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, NFL.

I will not watch Black Friday football on a boat. I will not watch it on a plane. I will not watch it on a train.

I’m not totally sure if I was quoting A Cat in the Hat just then, but nobody will fact-check me on it because they’re all hooked on the NFL.

Not me, at least not on Black Friday. You can take that game and stuff it, turkey!